This weekend we were supposed to go to see Jeremy's family. I hate that this miscarriage messed that trip up, not really just for the visit but because I really wanted to keep my baby. I would much rather be down in GA, happily announcing the good news that a new baby is on the way. But it did happen, and we stayed here. I'm glad we already had this time carved out to stay home at least. I've been able to mourn as the time calls for it.
I haven't quite figured out how to respond to this heartache. At least to other people. I don't know how to talk about my lost little one without crying out. And I don't want sympathy; sympathy feels like someone petting the hurt. But on the other hand, I don't want to act like this didn't happen, that I never had or wanted this little one. I also understand that this happened so quickly that everyone else, including my husband, is having a hard time feeling like it was a loss. I do think I'm having an easier time than if the baby had been older. But part of me would really like to be able to at least put my baby in a grave, to get to hold her once, but I have nothing. So many people have told me and my husband that they lost a baby in miscarriage too. So I know this isn't something I'll ever forget. I'll always know there was supposed to be one more.
I've really felt the presense of God throughout this weekend. It is Him who gives me hope. I know He weeps with me. He probably hurts more than I do. I'm so glad that if I can't hold her, He does. I'm not angry with Him. My midwife told me this was God's plan. But I don't believe that. If there was a God who planned to take babies away from their mothers, I would not serve Him. I believe the only God planned, choose, death only once, and that was His own Son's so that we may yet have life. Death is the consquence of sin. We, humanity, are the ones who choose death. So every baby that is lost, every child, every person, is our fault. Is sin's fault. "BUT GOD" (I love the verses that begin with those two words) decided to give us another chance. To make resurrection possible. Because HE IS life, the only life. Sin is death. I choose Him because He makes my heart beat, and will make my baby's heart beat again.
3 comments:
Take your time. There is no right or wrong way to mourn the loss of a child, no matter how young or how old the child was. Know that you are loved, please call me or e-mail me if you ever need to talk or vent or anything. My mom might be able to help too. She lost a baby in between Leigh and Bethany. I often find myself thinking that there should be another sibling in our family. (hugs)
Oh Jennifer, I'm so sorry for your loss. Whenever people ask me how many children I have, I want to say 7 since 2 of them are in heaven, but I say 5. Just know that God does understand your grief, and I am so grateful that there are young mothers like you who love children, who mourn when they don't get to hold them here on earth. I believe I will see those two children in heaven one day, and I believe you will also. I am praying for you!
I am so sorry for the loss of your baby...and for the sorrow that you are feeling. I love what you said about God's plan...God's plans for us are good and full of life and love. He is never the reason for pain, loss, death, or sorrow. Those things came into the world with sin...
He does carrry every one of your tears...and holds you through every moment of grief.
Praying God's continued comfort and grace for you...
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